Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Story Time

During last winter’s WPBT gathering in Vegas, Love_Elf and I were talking about travel. I was offering destination suggestions for her honeymoon with Smokkee. One of my suggestions was Couples Ocho Rios Resort in Jamaica. About 4 or 5 years ago, we went with another couple and had a great time drinking, lounging, horseback riding, and hiking up Dunn’s River Falls. The beach at the resort was nice but small and the water was full of sea urchins when we went, so you couldn’t walk too far out. The grounds were beautiful and the food was excellent. This was important since you are basically at their mercy for anything to eat. We still crave their jerk chicken that we ate daily at the pool grill.

OK, enough of the intro, what does this have to do with a story? While we were talking, I told her about one of our experiences at the resort and I thought I would share it with the rest of the bloggers.

One of the amenities of this particular Couples resort is a private “naked island” that is a couple of hundred yards from the main beach. The staff is always encouraging people to go and relax. They try to make you feel comfortable and not to worry about being naked in front of a bunch of strangers. It is supposed to be very low key and people ignore each other. The staff will laugh tell you things like “you’ll never see these people again” or “don’t worry, even the bartender’s blind.”

We all decided that we would give it a go, just on different days. Friends don’t need to see friends naked. Stacie and I hopped in a little boat and headed over to the island for the afternoon. We put away our clothes and headed to the pool. Immediately, we were loudly greeted by a group of people already in the pool and we’re thinking “NO, NO, this is not how we were told it would be!” A petite woman with absolutely huge fake boobs comes bouncing up to us and asks us our names. Now I’m thinking “Oh shit! Now they want names! Why are you talking to me and inviting us in?” Normally, I’m good on my feet, but we were so shocked and embarrassed, we accidentally gave them our real names. Her husband came over and offered us each a “Super J” drink that he made up. We politely declined the drink and for some unknown reason, joined the group in the small pool / swim up bar.

Stacie and I migrated to a corner so we could maintain a proper distance from the other partying couples and make sure nothing sneaks up from the rear. We just stood there and watched in amazement as the big breasted group leader got on top of one of the concrete tables in the pool and wanted everyone to see some dude’s pierced johnson. So she’s standing there above us waiving her arms with her almost completely shaved down there self (she left the Hitler patch) trying to get everyone’s attention. Once she has it, she rolls this guy’s pecker over so we can see the piercing. Uh Oh, this is starting to go downhill. Then she asked if anyone objecting to a few of the couples doing body shots. We said we didn’t care to participate, but didn’t see anything wrong if the others wanted to do it. They’re body shots, no big deal right? Well, let me tell ya, they were doing them a little different than the old salt on the neck and hold the lime in your mouth thing I’m used to. Three of the women got halfway out of the pool and sat on the side while 3 men swam up to them. The women then leaned back and proceeded to pour beer down between their breasts, letting it run down their stomachs and the men feverishly started to lap it out from between their now open legs. WTF! Stacie turned to me and said “Oh my God, we’re in a porn movie!”

So now the ice has been broken because I don’t think all of the body shot fellas were drinking exclusively from the goodies of the one they came with. One of the other spectators in the pool wandered over to us and introduced himself. He indicated that he was not alone, nodded over to his wife and starting having a conversation with us. I looked over to see her and all I saw was a naked woman that was passed out with her ass and then some shining right at us. He was asking all of the usual touristy questions and then some warning signal questions about “having been to these kinds of events before.” This is when I looked down and realized that his dick was closer to Stacie than I was. When I looked over to see if his wife was looking by now, I noticed she had some tattoo that was also on some of the other partiers. We saw one other couple with equally wide eyes and no tattoos, and then it hit us. Oh Shit, we must have come on “swingers day”!

Now the exit has to be planned. We are on the opposite side of the pool from the steps and if we climb out the side, it will be extremely exposing of some private areas. We said forget it and followed the lead of the other couple and made our way out of the pool by climbing over the side. We went to other side of the island and just decided to lay out and get something normal from the experience.

We relaxed for about an hour and decided it was time to leave the island before we burned anything important that we might want to use later. We gathered our clothes and summoned our little boat to come pick us up and couldn’t wait to tell / warn our friends about the place. During dinner, we relayed the day’s events and thought we were discouraging them from going. Instead, my buddy was all jazzed to head over the next day. Funny thing is, when they went over, they were the only ones there and I think he was a little disappointed to have missed the craziness.

We discovered one of the drawbacks of enjoying naked island early in your stay. Despite the reassuring claims from the resort employees that you will “never see these people again” so enjoy yourself, they fail to mention, that you will be running in to them during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, FOR.YOUR.ENTIRE.STAY! Ahh, there’s nothing more ackward then standing in a breakfast buffet line and looking up to see the guy grabbing a piece of toast and realizing that you just saw his sausage, complete with a gold rod pierced through it. And that Ms. Crabapple, is how I spent my summer vacation. I hope you all enjoyed.


At 8:36 PM, Blogger lightning36 said...

He he ... nice story.

Stayed at the Stardust in Las Vegas at the same time a swingers group was meeting there. First time I ever was afraid to touch anything in a casino ...

At 2:12 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Um...ok. Gotta say, never had an experience quite like that. "Noticed that his dick was closer to Stacie than I was", that is some scary shit. Can you imagine Smokkee noticing something similar with Elf? Can you imagine the injuries the other dude would be suffering? Classic!

At 6:58 PM, Blogger jjok said...

I'd just run around and do jumping jacks.......

At 8:23 PM, Blogger xxMAYOxx said...

I remember you telling us that story playing poker. That's freakin hilarious! Stacie's comment about being in a porn movie is classic.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger FishyMcDonk said...

That is some funny chit.


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